my daughter doesn't care about me
He is toxic and using your daughter as pawn. Saying mothering is "learned, not instinctual" and then forming your thesis based on this is too simplistic. When I was old enough I bought my… Read More »‘My daughter doesn’t care about her appearance and that annoys me’ Untangling enmeshment—the term alone conveys the difficulty—is another road entirely because of the absence of boundaries. Her manner of relating to me was not what a normal mother would be doing. I also put myself through grad school with 3 daughters. You've given us all "ammunition" to critic and condemn our mothers, but very little about how to heal. I also have a daughter that I hope will find acceptance of herself, compassion, and empathy. I know what compassion and empathy are. I would never do or say anything like that'...you, especially as a child, grow up doubting yourself...never having the confidence of knowing your truth...and your biggest fear becomes the fear that your are losing your mind and are crazy...in fact she probably tells you you're crazy. One time I am luck that I no longer renumerate nor am I angry any longer. My daughter said to me yesterday "I have my own family now." I cannot believe that anyone growing up in such a dynamic, any of them, finds it hard to give the good love you describe. I know—the words “power play” and “mother” seem incongruous combined in a single sentence—but I leave you in the capable hands of Deborah Tannen, with a quotation I use often because I simply can’t phrase it better or with her authority: “This, in the end, may be the crux of a parent’s power over a child: not only to create the world the child lives in but also to dictate how that world is to be interpreted.”. I was born, and I received the same name as my dead sister. Anyway, thanks again for the wonderful article. I put my life aside for my children who have lots of medical issues. 5. There are two sides to every story- I've learned to doubt many of those that condemn the mother, especially when the father is not on the radar in anyway and more especially because the majority of narcissists are men. (I was told I was the source of conflict yet dozens of times screaming and yelling is heard between my children and their father and there's nothing I can do. I also have some hypothesis about young adults today (those in 20's now), how we have attempted to assure confidence and self esteem, and treated our children with great respect, we may have missed the boat in other areas toward others, ie. If someone is punching you in the nose-it is not love! Sometimes I wake up at night with this pit in my tummy, reminding myself- no I am not a horrible person. Healing doesn't come from getting our mothers to change. Moms are human beings….not super hero's. I struggled for a few years, but eventually got on my feet. And it is so hard for me to watch her get this upset ALL of the time because of her, like it can get really REALLY bad sometimes, for example what she is going through right now nobody should be going through, I'm glad to see someone who has made it/ making it through it, it gives me hope for her, I'd love to talk more about this and I'd love for you and my girlfriend to speak as I think I'd would do her a lot of good! These mothers never acknowledge their behaviors, and they are usually quite careful about displaying them in public. And talking to each other—and listening—is the best path toward the relationship you so deeply want. Daughters grow up, and each has a choice of how to live their life independently of their mothers. Maria...I had no skills but what I always did as a 'shut down' that little girl was observe. I shared what I had posted here, and my therapist called me out about the part where I said, "she probably wishes I was dead..." Okay, she probably doesn't wish I was dead, but only because she would have to have strong feelings toward me to go out of her way to wish something like that. Not many negligent, combative, self-absorbed or blaming mothers stand up and say "That's me, no wonder my daughter doesn't want her children around me". I have a hard time trusting people and I am described as very quiet, sweet, mature, and sensitive. The healing process began for many of us by reading this article and identifying ourselves. She's 21 now. I'm not a therapist or psychologist but I would urge you to get some help dealing with the issue. She would ask what I wanted to do over the weekend or summer, ignore my answer, and then make plans for me. We do hear from him when he needs something, like someone to watch the grandkids. My father has put me through a lot. I have a lot to learn in this department since he is my firstborn, but I have learned a few things that make communication between me and my son a little smoother: 4 Ways to Get Your Teen to Talk to You More. If your son or daughter is involved with someone you despise, consider taking these steps: Share your specific concerns. Yet, despite the broad strokes of this shared and painful experience, the pattern of connection—how the mother interacts with her daughter—varies significantly from one pair to another. It took many years to find out who I was, how to act around people, have a good career (which my mom thought abysmal and pay horrid (which it wasn't and I was quite good at what I did (art and graphic design). She made it clear that I was largely irrelevant to her.”. I had to relearn everything I should have learned in childhood, in addition, allow myself to start feeling instead of doing, process past in order to heal to summarize before re-marrying and having 2 more children. Now she wants little to do with me. Angered by that. To those who have trouble understanding, please listen and don’t put these daughters on trial because they challenge what you would like to believe about mothering and motherhood. They , my boys..my men...are 32 and 27 now and are wonderful empathic and ethical men with great lives and futures. Dear Therapist’s Guide to Love and Relationships, Dear Therapist: I Can’t Accept My Father’s Death From COVID-19. It is a complex dynamic when a family is vested with these painful dynamics. I hid myself from my mom so I flew under the rader. I'm afraid of it. I have been portrayed as "mean" by my daughter, "broken" by my ex-husband, caring, compassionate, loving by my friends, by the parents of her peers in her very small K-8 school and by acquaintances, as "mom" by her brother. Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. Her lack of attunement I believe came through her tragic experiences in her childhood, and perhaps her mother's pain while raising her. Wow, that is quite a story. And by doing so, you are setting yourself up to be frustrated. Good luck on your journey of healing and in your studies. I'm sure you are a great mom that still makes mistakes. It's a year since commenting on this article seeking support for your victim hood, Cecelia. Still I reach out to her and get back a virtiolic rant of nasty words- spewing acid. Unlike the enmeshed mother who is intently and smotheringly focused on her child, this mother carefully controls her involvement as it suits her own self-reflection. Perhaps they return to the same misbehavior within 10 minutes of you handing out a consequence. I simply stopped calling her, and she never called me again. I started to cry, because I knew she was right. Sometimes he doesn’t remember what we did for him and the help and support we have given him. Making a mistake is a great way to learn something new about yourself. I tried my best when my daughter was born. Or maybe, they laugh when you tell them they are being punished. While these behaviors are hurtful, with therapy or intervention, many daughters report reconciliation in adulthood as well as understanding. Or that their parents are intrusive, calling constantly and not allowing for comfortable space. I felt a huge part was missing in my life and that only my Mom could fill it.”. Your daughter may feel intruded on, and may actually not want your help. Do they not shape the person that the child becomes? You're brave to share it. I'm sure there are things I need to do differently and I think of that every day, but blaming the mothers without giving the child accountability is unfair and unhealthy. Psychologists/Psychiatrists: Work On YOURSELVES, you are TOXIC! 1. No. So rather than looking at a laundry list of faults, referred to as "types" , time would be much better spent in a form of self discovery and while there will certainly be factors of moms behavior, there are too many other factors to isolate and attribute ones situation or personality on only mothers. My mother also screams and yells at me at the most random times. One common complaint that adult children have is that their parents are critical—of their life choices or appearance or partner or job—when what they need is to feel supported and accepted for who they are. It’s true enough that all daughters of unloving and unattuned mothers have common experiences. These behaviors aren’t mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns. I'm sure that has something to do with her apathetic attitude and, when I'm right in front of her face, her clear expressions of disgust and disapproval. In addition to being excruciatingly painful, it is also bewildering. After sharing a few thoughts, I scripted the following and sent it. By being present when your child is throwing up all night long. 1. I had to set some really tough boundaries. You CAN put this behind you (not totally but enough so that you can live with wholeness) by working with a counselor. He left my mom for another woman who turned out to be a ***** and emotionally and mentally abused me for years (he knew about it, completely), and continues to do so whenever I'm around her. She is a evil spirit. And... only an influence. An old painful and vicious knot is releasing. There would be two more. I have an 11 yr old daughter. A healthy and attuned maternal relationship offers security and freedom to roam at once—the infant is released from her mother’s arms to crawl, the adolescent counseled but listened to and respected—and this pattern does not. When I read this article I thought; these are all the things my daughter will and has said about me. Narcissists are different, but this is a built in disorder which does damage to people around. As a mother of a daughter diagnosed with MDD and PTSD (from a teacher yelling at her? I used to walk out of those FORGIVENESS glasses...and even now i can never forgive her but I will NEVER give her anything of myself. What it means is that the things your mother says or does and you take it as truth...like her saying 'I never did that', 'I never said that' 'What are you thinking! All children form mental images of what relationships in the real world look like based on their connections to their mothers; these daughters understand emotional connection to be fraught, precarious, and even dangerous. All best, Peg. I learned that my daughter-in-law is covering up our son’s drinking. Fortunately i could afford a lawyer. 4. But for those of us who didn’t fare as well in the lottery, there is hope and healing. I would assume some parents consider it okay to treat their children however they like because it is a "family matter". The way I still do. Or one could say I was extremely vigilant to the point of obsession. Whatever obstacles you faced, I hoped you saw your daughter's confrontation as an opportunity to really listen to her, even if you disagreed with what she said and it hurt you. SHe wants to cutmy ties with my grandchildren but she couldnt do that easily because i have taken care of these kids when they were young and have stayed close to them because my daughter’s needs to fullfill her self goals. I am not perfect.....but is there any chance that my daughter is not, either? Behaviors are learned and intuitive. This pushes the children further away, because eventually they get tired of trying to be heard. I have learned more in the 35 years since she was born. Self-involved. Many truly well-meaning parents like you are baffled when their adult children seem to have so little regard for them. It is very unfair of you to under-play, under-cut and under-mine the true intentions here. Right now my daughter is in a psycho drug induced state, yes legal prescriptions my daughter, who’s in her thirties, by psy doctors and I only can hold my breath and pray she does not commit the S while trying to work it out. I helped her in every way, financially, physically...not emotionally because she never allowed me to do that. I feel like a stepfather..About 4 years ago I decided that my relattionship with my wife was getting knowhere. Hi JM, I am saddened by your story, of course. She’d ask if I were hungry and if I said I wasn’t, she’d put food in front of me as if I’d said nothing. She has friends but not a best friend that she is close with. As a mother who had her first miscarriage last year, I cannot imagine wanting to "replace" my child. Not gonna happen. This year, I asked my son whether his family would be coming over on Easter, and I explained that I had Easter gifts for the grandkids. Perhaps he’s struggling with alcohol addiction and is avoiding you (who will call him out on it) as a way to avoid dealing with his need to get treatment. She was emotionally unavailable to me while devoting all love and affection on my brother. These women are classic “stage mothers” and live through their children’s achievements, which they both demand and encourage; while they have a long history—the mothers of Gypsy Rose Lee, Judy Garland, and Frances Farmer come immediately to mind—they now have especial renown (and no shame) thanks to reality television. Just dissappointed it wasn't a better experience having her as a mother. On bad days I usually just find myself wishing I had a loving mom to hang out with or call for parenting advice. I have heard from children of Holocaust survivors who were "replacements" for children lost in war and death camps and the results were mixed and, of course, utterly dependent on the parental expectations for how a new child would assuage the loss. While my friends get teary-eyed over sappy mother-daughter newsfeed posts, I feel sick knowing I’ll never have that relationship. By being emotionally present when reading their favorite book. I was not. I don't want to reveal too many details publicly because, as I said, she is a local celebrity and there is a chance that people will recognize this story. Please know I have done LOTS of work on my stuff. For a while, she fully believed that her previous kid had risen from death and come back to start all over again as an infant. Did they understand that the social worker who investigated her claim that I had torn her t-shirt and told her to walk on broken glass knew she was lying and told her father to get counseling to identify his emotional enmeshment/emotional incest with her? They Disregard Your Feelings. But I will offer pity and have compassion for whatever damaged her soul. Combative. But the destruction she caused to my emotional life is still causing havoc as I've never gone for counseling for many reasons (would have killed to if there was a way). When Obedience to Authority Conflicts With Common Decency, A Quarter of America’s Youth Learns About Sex From Porn, For the Love of the Grudge: Why We Can't Forgive or Forget. What I think about when I read this article, and examine my experience of being mothered and of mothering is that we (most of us, anyway) are really doing the best we can, and are motivated but what feels (at the time) like survival. The only way to know is to ask—but from a place of deep empathy rather than blame. Visit the photographer's Facebook page. These different behaviors affect daughters in specific ways. I have been portrayed as "mean" by my daughter, "broken" by my ex-husband, caring, compassionate, loving by my friends, by the parents of her peers in her very small K-8 school and by acquaintances, as "mom" by her brother. Anyway, thank you so much for the lovely message. She was in NICU for a month at birth. Dismissive of her, in order to set my boundaries, I'll guess. Call her a narcissist if you wish. I wonder if they understand that her father willfully denied me money, making sure I had no money to pay a lawyer or even to buy sufficient groceries so he could appear to be the hero who cooked for his children? That this CFI is well known in the community for her women-hating and mother-blaming? In every of the 8 catagories, I could find threads of my own stuff, a friend or relative, or other well intentioned mother and can recognize the driving force, least often of total selfish nature, more often fear. Doing so would be much more than just a symbolic step, I think. Only you know your situation and if it is painful, there is so much hope for change, but you cannot count on the parent to change whether it is lack of love, inability, illness, addiction, etc. Despite what we prefer to believe, the female of our species isn’t hardwired to love her offspring; it is the child, not the mother, whom evolution has equipped with a powerful need as an aid to survival. I will take those words and use them if I may I live with her as she is 95 I now fell I can get out from this dark place.Thank you.cj, I am going through the same thing you went though as kid. Anecdotally, this is the pattern of maternal interaction I hear about the least—the scenario in which the daughter, even at a young age, becomes the helper, the caretaker, or even “the mother” to her own mother. I have and did. Sometimes it does the relationship no good to go on the defensive and try to win an argument, because this can feel dismissive and shut out what the child has experienced. (I was told I was the source of conflict yet dozens of times screaming and yelling is heard between my children and their father and there's nothing I can do. I know very personally some narcs who didn't have injuries, but like to project and gaslight those around them. I think she robbed me of my childhood.”. I have called her out a number of times about the hurtful thinks she has said to me. I now enjoy my retirement and have activities that keep me busy. So it’s important to be open to hearing his perspective, especially because a child often sees his parents in ways that contain some valuable feedback. Call her a narcissist if you wish. I have sincerely tried to understand my parents' position, their upbringing, etc. I don’t know whether you understand yet why your son has pulled away, but the good news is, he has given you some clues. She emotionally and physically abandoned me at 6 years old, yet I saw her from time to time because she spent a lot of time with my sister. I am able to see the truth in much of it. It doesn’t bother me that she never speaks to me or has never thanked me for all I did to help her become the person she is today. “If I did something that I thought would make her proud, she would either dismiss it as insignificant or undercut it in some other way. I feel I am one of those who will not necessarily be relieved when my mother dies. Why Are Single Women Without Children So Happy? Addicts often appear that way, but it is the addiction that got a hold on them and may also occur with another condition. How do you separate out the abused from those in whom abusive behaviors arise? They spent the entire day with the grandkids and the rest of my daughter-in-law’s family. So when I casually asked my daughter about her exam, it did not surprise me when she looked me square in the eye and said: “No, it’s not until next week.” Sometimes I don’t like my daughter. We all are born with different temperments and respond accordingly. Bonus - in doing this we love ourselves and experience love with others more. I was glad to read that someone else felt as I did. I was like her "thing". I am hoping that by the time i graduate high school and go off to college that our relationship can be repaired or I will just break off this toxic relationship. I would like to see more articles about healing these relationships; not condemning mothers. I am very perplexed about my daughter's inability to call me every once in a while. But I feel unhappy about my relationship with my daughter. 2 years ago I was in the hospital and the nurse got an earful when she overheard my embarrassing conversation about how my mother did not have time to watch my kids for me and kept asking when I was going to be released. However, this is not the case. Good odds Cecelia Prince hasn't gotten what she wants, Unloved Daughters: Confronting the Slow Path to Healing, The Accidental Birders: Saving Our Sanity in a Pandemic, Five Things an Unloving Mother Never Does, 12 Wrong Assumptions an Unloved Daughter Makes About Life, Unloved Daughters and Their Siblings: Five Common Patterns, When Your Mother Is Too Close for Comfort, The 4 Roles Fathers Play When Mothers Are Unloving, The Unloved Daughter and Her Uneasy Relationship to Her Body. I have my own version of this, honed during my daughter’s college years. I suffered from anxiety and depression and still relapse time to time. Why don’t we take you all out for dinner at your favorite restaurant—or take the grandkids to the movies so you two can have some downtime?” When your son begins to see you as helping him rather than asking something of him, the dynamic will gradually shift, making it more likely that he’ll be inclined to talk to you about what has been getting in the way of having a closer relationship. I have a decent life surrounded with the love of my husband and 2 boys. My oldest daughter (from my first marriage) hasn’t wanted a relationship with me for more than 25 years. When you take it personally, it often leads to a big emotional reaction from you which reinforces the bad behavior. I'd like to say that life is complex. I don't remember what the second thing was but I don't think it was "… doing gymnastics, studying violin, attending excellent schools, dancing, cleaning my room by throwing clean clothes into the hamper, being given laptops to spend hours typing, fine quality materials for painting & drawing, etc. While I am happy to be on planet earth, I really do not have a close, trusting, honest or supportive relationship with either of my parents. I'm frustrated and embarrassed that I am unable to put it behind me. If you’re always the one exerting effort to either hang out with or talk to … I fell pity that my mother has no idea what a great mom I am and the wonderful woman I am. Second two children, I had that benefit. What I've come to feel about my own mother is a sense of wistfulness. To her, the time she was wasting with my kids was her time and I was ruining it. As a daughter, I had many stormy days with my mom, but I would never think to cut her off completely. And deep down, I was ashamed of how easily I had betrayed my own daughter. swearing. Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com. So sorry for you, thank you for your answer, stay strong. When I was eighteen, my mom told me to move out. A power player, she’s incapable of empathy; instead, very concerned with appearances and the opinions of others. It's like teaching a fish to ride a bicycle. As a mother matures or her situation improves, say she gains the perspective to make changes in her behavior, she may yet be confronted by horrendous energies (mirroring her own, or those of another adult in her daughter's life, who she may or may not have been able to legally protect her child from--and these efforts can be all consuming and exhausting) coming from her growing daughter's own pain and anger. She DOES have to wash her hair at least once a week. And perhaps there is something else that isn’t even on your radar yet. I had moved 500 miles away at age 14 and she moved near me when I was 20 so I could drive her around and care for her. Dear Adult Daughter, We have for the most part – one way relationship. Another is that their parents still treat them like children, trying to micromanage their lives. Without knowing what you mean by that, it's not possible to answer.